So it begins....

Counting down to one of the more major of birthdays. I shall share some of my goals, partially for giggles sake, and partially because it holds me accountable to the mystery that is the interwebs...

Say what I mean, and mean what I say. This always seems to make my list at new years, i get caught in the trap. i am a people pleaser, it gets me into trouble. I want people to like me, and I end up being a doormat. I have a backbone, I know how to defend myself. Hell, most people who don't know me very well (if at all) call me a cold hearted bitch with an attitude problem! And to an extent I am. I don't play well with most people, I have a short fuse. But I bite my tongue and don't say it when I want to get along. I had a love tell me once in the middle of a fight that I could bring a hardened dictator to his knees with my words. She was pretty cute but def pretty vicious too. Nevertheless, after losing that paramour and that fight (very very badly) I learned to bite my tongue... A lot

Treat each day as a gift. I find many many times that I rush and rush and never see the forest for the trees. Because of my job, a full day off isn't possible most weeks, well it is, but it is twice the work for my counterpart to cover me. Several days off in a row? Forget it. So I don't get to have the luxury of a vaycay to a more beautiful place than the asphalt jungle that is my town. Just once this year, I would like to wake up in a bed not my own, And hear birds and the world waking up. Not the seeming rush that is Brooklyn outside my window.

I must go for now.

Fin

Back again, stronger and braver

Hullo world once more.

I have had to take leave of this, the online world for a spell. Life has been cruel. But as they say, you gotta be cruel to be kind in the right measure. Life kicked me in the ribs, punched me in the head, broke my will and my heart. And yet somehow I survived. For months I sat in that space in my head wondering what would come next. When I could seemingly take a rest. And yet the hits kept on coming.  I voyaged from one place to another this time last year. And because my life has been so in flux, I still have boxes sitting in my living room waiting to be unpacked. I cannot find my toaster, haven't seen it since Valentines eve 2012. I know it must be here, but I haven't had the time or the patience. I only recently found my DVD player.

I thought I had found a love, to hold close to my heart. He chose another higher on the divinity scale.  One who wasn't as broken as I.  One who hadn't seen the harsh cold world outside. One who had yet to experience the Sophie's Choice that is deciding whether gas in the car is more urgent than food on the table. To me, she was just a child playing adult. But I remember being that doe eyed naive girl believing all the promises that come with that first wave of love. I do not blame her, I do not blame him. I wish them the best. I truly do.

I lost someone near and dear. Someone I have known since I was a baby. My heart hurts for her each day. Watching her loss of independence day after day.  The roller coaster of emotions that came with her healing and then growing sicker.  She gave me a gift the day she passed. A gift I may never truly be able to wrap my head around. See, I held her hand when she passed on, I was the last voice she heard.  I can say with certainty there are few things I left unsaid. Few regrets I have for that time. I have the rare gift of being there when she passed from this world into the void. Death Cab for Cutie comes to mind... I Will Follow You Into The Dark.

I am that much closer to the significant birthday that separates the youthful from the adult. I am working on a list of things that I would like to accomplish before that big date. Like my own bucket list, but I will have 365 days to complete it. The clock begins within the week. I know that my time here on earth is short, my life is but a grain of sand on the beach, I am but a spec of dust on the eternal divine divinity's eyelash. And I want to live and Love with few regrets. and if it takes forcing myself out into the world and taking risks and taking chances. After all, when I am on my death bed, I will not regret the movies I have not seen, or the Saturday night in. I will regret the road less traveled

Fin