So it begins....

Counting down to one of the more major of birthdays. I shall share some of my goals, partially for giggles sake, and partially because it holds me accountable to the mystery that is the interwebs...

Say what I mean, and mean what I say. This always seems to make my list at new years, i get caught in the trap. i am a people pleaser, it gets me into trouble. I want people to like me, and I end up being a doormat. I have a backbone, I know how to defend myself. Hell, most people who don't know me very well (if at all) call me a cold hearted bitch with an attitude problem! And to an extent I am. I don't play well with most people, I have a short fuse. But I bite my tongue and don't say it when I want to get along. I had a love tell me once in the middle of a fight that I could bring a hardened dictator to his knees with my words. She was pretty cute but def pretty vicious too. Nevertheless, after losing that paramour and that fight (very very badly) I learned to bite my tongue... A lot

Treat each day as a gift. I find many many times that I rush and rush and never see the forest for the trees. Because of my job, a full day off isn't possible most weeks, well it is, but it is twice the work for my counterpart to cover me. Several days off in a row? Forget it. So I don't get to have the luxury of a vaycay to a more beautiful place than the asphalt jungle that is my town. Just once this year, I would like to wake up in a bed not my own, And hear birds and the world waking up. Not the seeming rush that is Brooklyn outside my window.

I must go for now.

Fin

Back again, stronger and braver

Hullo world once more.

I have had to take leave of this, the online world for a spell. Life has been cruel. But as they say, you gotta be cruel to be kind in the right measure. Life kicked me in the ribs, punched me in the head, broke my will and my heart. And yet somehow I survived. For months I sat in that space in my head wondering what would come next. When I could seemingly take a rest. And yet the hits kept on coming.  I voyaged from one place to another this time last year. And because my life has been so in flux, I still have boxes sitting in my living room waiting to be unpacked. I cannot find my toaster, haven't seen it since Valentines eve 2012. I know it must be here, but I haven't had the time or the patience. I only recently found my DVD player.

I thought I had found a love, to hold close to my heart. He chose another higher on the divinity scale.  One who wasn't as broken as I.  One who hadn't seen the harsh cold world outside. One who had yet to experience the Sophie's Choice that is deciding whether gas in the car is more urgent than food on the table. To me, she was just a child playing adult. But I remember being that doe eyed naive girl believing all the promises that come with that first wave of love. I do not blame her, I do not blame him. I wish them the best. I truly do.

I lost someone near and dear. Someone I have known since I was a baby. My heart hurts for her each day. Watching her loss of independence day after day.  The roller coaster of emotions that came with her healing and then growing sicker.  She gave me a gift the day she passed. A gift I may never truly be able to wrap my head around. See, I held her hand when she passed on, I was the last voice she heard.  I can say with certainty there are few things I left unsaid. Few regrets I have for that time. I have the rare gift of being there when she passed from this world into the void. Death Cab for Cutie comes to mind... I Will Follow You Into The Dark.

I am that much closer to the significant birthday that separates the youthful from the adult. I am working on a list of things that I would like to accomplish before that big date. Like my own bucket list, but I will have 365 days to complete it. The clock begins within the week. I know that my time here on earth is short, my life is but a grain of sand on the beach, I am but a spec of dust on the eternal divine divinity's eyelash. And I want to live and Love with few regrets. and if it takes forcing myself out into the world and taking risks and taking chances. After all, when I am on my death bed, I will not regret the movies I have not seen, or the Saturday night in. I will regret the road less traveled

Fin

I am on the cusp of something big...

I can feel it, if only for a moment.  I stand to gain something huge if only I could be brave.  See I am a few short years from one of those important milestone birthdays.  One that signifies in my head at least that I have to be a grownup.  One of those 'Do not pass go, Do not collect 200 bucks unless you can prove you are the grownup everyone expects you to be' milestones.  The funny thing is, once you are past 21 the years just melt together.  Nothing else to look forward to, just age. Age and wrinkles. I try to explain that to my younger compadres, but I am not old in their eyes. 

I have been working on my bucket o chicken list (because I aint about to kick life's bucket yet!)

1. More me time

2. Less meat time (as in the semi veggie girl kicks the chicken, beef and pork habit down to once a month, I am NOT perfect)

3. More hammer time (as in building things)

4. More MC Hammer time (yes, as in dancing, Hefty garbage bag pants not required)

5. Take a Vacation outside of my comfort zone (ie safety of my 4 walls at home)

6. Pick up french again, it made me happy! Je suis une chat executive avec un pipe et une sange blanc

7.  Let Love in more

8.  Cook for the fun of it

9.  Love myself as I am

10.  Get in shape for me, not to gain someone's eye


bona notte!

tiny dancing with my love

Today was a good day

Today I danced in the kitchen to music heard only in my head.  I danced with Fuzzy Love in my arms meowing her dislike and nervousness.  (she always seems to think that I am going to put her in a pot and cook her)  I danced because I could.  I danced because I wanted to.  I danced in my jammies because I needed to.   I sang to my Fuzzy Love words my Nan used to sing to me.  I did it loud and with love and care.  I wanted Fuzzy to know that she is important and loved.  I didnt always love my Fuzzy-Bunny Cat.  When she was just my charge while petsitting I didnt like that she drooled like a puppy, or that when I went to the facilities, she would cry at the door and hit her head.  I didnt like that she would cry incessantly during the TV shows I loved so much.  I can honestly say that she wasnt my original pick and I would have rathered a quieter cat, a more independent cat.  And yet when it came down to it, all the others were gone and it was her and I. And she and I sat staring at each other, she came over, perched herself in my lap as though to say "please, can you love me?" and my heart melted.  In all the time I had been pet sitting, I let the kittens have the run of the house, and I had my room.  No Fuzzy faces allowed.  And that night I slept on the couch, and she purred her way through the night, and I havent slept here without her hogging up a pillow, snoring her cute little buzzy sounding snore, and hitting me in the face with her paws since.  It wasnt easy, coming to a realization that I in fact was so mean to her, and she loved me despite it. But that is what unconditional love is.  It is loving something or someone so much that even when they hurt you, even when they are mean and lashing out with dragon fire and burning your spirit and soul, you love them anyway.  And my Fuzzy faced baby with four legs and wet nose and the cutestcaramel colored markings and sassy prance when she walks.  She loves me when I cry and when I am so mad, and she loves me even more when I love on her. 

So I danced because I love her and because she is the only thing sometimes that gets me going.  Friends come and go, Family you can take or leave, but having her fill a place in my heart that I never knew was empty, that makes my life complete.  Even if I marry and have children, my little Fuzzy Faced baby will always be my first child. 

How did I end up here?

Hello world!

Wow, here I am on the cusp of something I hope is great.  I never thought that I would end up here.  I know usually people make new years resolutions of epic proportions, and normally I do.  For years I resolved the same things I did as a catholic lassie during Lent.  Smoking and promiscuous sax.  I tried ciggies at 18 and then again at 21.  But I am by no means a routine smoker.  Furthermore, I haven't been promiscuous in anything in this lifetime minus epic food runs.  Food runs in my circle of palliwags consists of Sonic drinks, Chik-Fil-A sammys, Mickey Dees fries and Wendy's frostys.  That is as slutty as I get. 

This year is different though.  I could feel it in my bones.  New years eve as I climbed into bed to watch the ball drop in NYC, pink champagne ( I didn't have time enough to chill the regular) in hand, I thought about my 2011.  Confusion, illness, watching my loved ones change and grow while I remained unchanged.    I realized I was placing all my energies into something intangible.  I didn't just want Love.  I hunted for it like a tiger tracking prey.  I obsessed over it.  I needed it like a junkie needs a fixx.  I wanted to be someones something.  I could feel my ovaries pulsating in need for a child.  My biological clock was not ticking, it was effin Big Ben!!! And yet, I didn't want to have that kind of responsibility.  Up until fall I was in school studying and being some amazing student.  But I wanted more.  I needed it. 


And so on New Years Eve as I toasted the new year with some amazing hopes and dreams for 2012 I went to bed thinking about all that I had done in 2011.  I completed school, internship, began working in my new field, I had a new to me vehicle, I had my four legged fuzzy bundle of Love who never fails to amaze me and love me and be my cuddle bug when I need it.  All that I needed was someone to love me for me.  And really, until last night it didn't hit me that I was being selfish.  Sure I have heard the old adage, love yourself and stop looking and love will find you.  I know it to be true in some cases but for me it never seemed to be true. See I never thought of me as the problem, I couldn't be the problem I had to be the solution.  The fixer of everyone's deep seeded issues.  I wanted to make everyone else's lives easier, and for what?  It never got me any place but hurt or involved too deeply.  Mostly hurt though. 

And when I realized last night that what I am missing in my life, on my list of priorities isn't a fancy job (money helps though), a new sports car (my baby drives just fine thanks), a house all my own with a yard and mature trees to hang a hammock in (though one day that may make the list).  The thing that was missing was me...  Time... for... me... I haven't put Me first in anything for such a long time. The last time I really think I did something meant for all me selfishly was maybe 4 or 5 years ago? Even then, it ended up becoming a therapeutic session for the other person involved. 

There is a difference in being selfless and not having self.  Being selfless is helping those who need help.  Comforting those who need comfort.  Assisting those who need assistance.  I wasn't that.  I would have rather given till I couldn't any more to keep the focus off of me.  I don't like to be seen, If I could go through the world in an invisibility cloak to keep eyes off of me, I would.  I wouldn't ever take that sucker off.  I LIKE being the Oz behind the curtain.  I LIKE being on the team to set up, I LIKE being in the kitchen on Christmas morning while everyone mixes and mingles and leaves me to cook. 

Perhaps it is a curse thrust upon me for sins of my mother, or omissions of my father.  But I would have liked to have touched lives and have never been seen, than to have been known and been seen right through.