Hello world!
Wow, here I am on the cusp of something I hope is great. I never thought that I would end up here. I know usually people make new years resolutions of epic proportions, and normally I do. For years I resolved the same things I did as a catholic lassie during Lent. Smoking and promiscuous sax. I tried ciggies at 18 and then again at 21. But I am by no means a routine smoker. Furthermore, I haven't been promiscuous in anything in this lifetime minus epic food runs. Food runs in my circle of palliwags consists of Sonic drinks, Chik-Fil-A sammys, Mickey Dees fries and Wendy's frostys. That is as slutty as I get.
This year is different though. I could feel it in my bones. New years eve as I climbed into bed to watch the ball drop in NYC, pink champagne ( I didn't have time enough to chill the regular) in hand, I thought about my 2011. Confusion, illness, watching my loved ones change and grow while I remained unchanged. I realized I was placing all my energies into something intangible. I didn't just want Love. I hunted for it like a tiger tracking prey. I obsessed over it. I needed it like a junkie needs a fixx. I wanted to be someones something. I could feel my ovaries pulsating in need for a child. My biological clock was not ticking, it was effin Big Ben!!! And yet, I didn't want to have that kind of responsibility. Up until fall I was in school studying and being some amazing student. But I wanted more. I needed it.
And so on New Years Eve as I toasted the new year with some amazing hopes and dreams for 2012 I went to bed thinking about all that I had done in 2011. I completed school, internship, began working in my new field, I had a new to me vehicle, I had my four legged fuzzy bundle of Love who never fails to amaze me and love me and be my cuddle bug when I need it. All that I needed was someone to love me for me. And really, until last night it didn't hit me that I was being selfish. Sure I have heard the old adage, love yourself and stop looking and love will find you. I know it to be true in some cases but for me it never seemed to be true. See I never thought of me as the problem, I couldn't be the problem I had to be the solution. The fixer of everyone's deep seeded issues. I wanted to make everyone else's lives easier, and for what? It never got me any place but hurt or involved too deeply. Mostly hurt though.
And when I realized last night that what I am missing in my life, on my list of priorities isn't a fancy job (money helps though), a new sports car (my baby drives just fine thanks), a house all my own with a yard and mature trees to hang a hammock in (though one day that may make the list). The thing that was missing was me... Time... for... me... I haven't put Me first in anything for such a long time. The last time I really think I did something meant for all me selfishly was maybe 4 or 5 years ago? Even then, it ended up becoming a therapeutic session for the other person involved.
There is a difference in being selfless and not having self. Being selfless is helping those who need help. Comforting those who need comfort. Assisting those who need assistance. I wasn't that. I would have rather given till I couldn't any more to keep the focus off of me. I don't like to be seen, If I could go through the world in an invisibility cloak to keep eyes off of me, I would. I wouldn't ever take that sucker off. I LIKE being the Oz behind the curtain. I LIKE being on the team to set up, I LIKE being in the kitchen on Christmas morning while everyone mixes and mingles and leaves me to cook.
Perhaps it is a curse thrust upon me for sins of my mother, or omissions of my father. But I would have liked to have touched lives and have never been seen, than to have been known and been seen right through.
No comments:
Post a Comment